Tuesday, 5 August 2008


  1. MAN UNITED - no contest really,the double again as per last year.Ronnys staying (for now?) and The Berbel's on his way touch wood.Awesome last year and more to come from the likes of Nani,Anderson,Hargreaves plus golden oldies Giggs and Scholsey.The year the Rooster comes of age once hes got over his Nigerian cold.A few more years and it'll be world domination...bring it on I say.PINT RATING 9.5(a quality tipple)

  2. CHELSKI - another slip up ha ha ha! Terry should be on Dancing on Ice.Trillions to spend and they'll still play second fiddle to the REDS.Just wait for those midweek wintery nights away to Bolton in January we'll see if Big Phil can hacket.Spent yet more dosh on a bigger diver/cheat than Drogba,aptly named 'Deck'o cos thats where he spends most of the game.PR 7 (a typical warm flat southern brew).

  3. PORTSMOUTH - Harry's done it again another transfer master stroke.With Little and Large up front and playing everyweek (take note Mr Fat Waiter) there should be goals aplenty.A proven defense and talented midfield will bring Champs footy to Fratton next season.Prediction for the season opener at Wembley, a dull boring affair Crouch to head the winner...bugger!! PR 8.5(full bodied cos their mostly ageing with an old head on top).

  4. ARSENAL - The name says it all ARSEnal run by ARSEne (''I did not see it honest'').One player in no ones ever heard of (and hes already injured) and two sound midfielders gone,one for nowt (oh dear how will they pay for that new stadium?).Typically though t'other mid table teams will roll over surrendering three points, dazzled by the awesome flowing thinking mans football that the Gooners churn out each week...bollocks! give'm a good kicking like the REDS do,their all froggy faggots anyway (not Theo though cos he's still a schoolboy and English).PR 6(more w'h'ine than ale).

  5. LIVERPOOL - This will be the 19th year and still no 1st place!...oh dear me.Should be great listening to the kop cheering on KEANO!.Still a one man team and splashingout vast amounts of needed dosh on an ageing Leprecaun won't help.Now the truths out about Torres and the other waiter it should be fun in the showers after the match.'Bend' it like Torres oh I say ''wears the soap''...''yes it does''....yuk! Another year of meddling by The Fat Spanish Waiter and a eufa cup spot beckons (which they'll probably win cos some knob will fix the draw). PR 5.5(Carlsberg don't do Premier League winners).
  6. TOTTENHAM - Ramos has bought wisely but unfortunately sold badly.If Berbel goes hes' only got Bent up front(theres a joke there somewhere) but if rumours are true a record 32m offer for Villa (no not the Midlands club) and possibly a Russian from St.Petersberg could change all that.In Modric they could have the buy of the summer,we shall see.Get him in your fantasy team at least. PR 5(kosher beer but unfortunately still warm).
  7. MAN CITY - Yes I know City!! but hey Sparkys in charge and he knows the business now.Another totally unknown striker out of the blue (bum bum),big Jo could be another Santa Cruz.A quality capture from Chelski in defence will help the up and coming England keeper tobe.They'll need a Sven like start to the season though to get'em up to these dizzy heights...good luck Sparky. PR 5(more blue bols than real ale).
  8. VILLA - Prey to god this failure never gets the UTD job.Man management my Arsene Wenger just ask Mr Barry.A wealth of talent and perennial under achievers the Villa faithful deserve better.Anyone that buys Jemba squared (Fergie excepted) needs their noggin examining but at least they've now got a quality keeper in Brad.The talented Agbonallwhre...Agbonlahore...Agbonethewhore...oh bugger!...Ashley Young should get the England call. PR 5(an embaressment to Burton-on-Trent).
  9. FULHAM - Roy has spent cleverly and off loaded the deadwood.Jimmy B will be a star and should get the call from Capello.A potential FA Cup/League Cup final appearance is in the offering....NOT! midtable safety is what they need and will get this year.Mr Fayed will be pleased. PR 4(more bloody warm beer but much cheaper).
  10. SUNDERLAND - Keano (yes Rafa theres only one) has virtually bought another team to replace the lucky lads wayeye! that just stayed up last season.In Diouf hes got the best spitter in the premiership,I'd hate to be a ball boy when El Hadj is flobbing down the wing.Top of the North East pile but thats not difficult is it. PR 3.75(stripey lager with a hard head).
  11. BLACKBURN - Incy has got a tough act to follow.Having two Santa Cruzs should give the refs a headache.They'll do well to stay mid table.PR 3(dodgy homebrew)
  12. WIGAN - Can they actually fill their own ground for once and I don't mean with pies.Surely Heskey has passed his sell by date? PR 3(brown ale from the end of the pier)
  13. BORO - Had to put'em somewhere but hey who cares.The big money Brazil nut upfront needs 20+ goals or they'll sink (or is that stink).Should just stay afloat to play their one good game of the season against Man U. PR 3(toxic brew from ICI)
  14. EVERTON - They've only got one striker and he needs feeding all the time.Lescott surely can't do three jobs at once all season again can he? PR 3(a non alcoholic toffee vodka).
  15. BOLTON - Oh my god are they still here.The man with the best hairdo in the Prem has gone so its backs to the walls and survival as per usual. PR 2.5
  16. THE TOON - Once you've succeeded (well nearly) at a job never go back.''I'd just love it..love it if we stay up''.Their most 'loyal' fan is ready to sell them down the Swaney or is that Tyne so there won't be any new signings for poor old Kev.Never mind theres still the most overated injury free? passionate? Geordie? striker up front isn't there. PR 1(empty brown ale bottle).
  17. HAMMERS - ''Why oh why did I leave Charlton?''.The poor old Irons will just stay in the promised land...just. PR 0.5(Irn Bru look alike).
  18. WEST BROM - Bye bye! you should never have let Kevin go. PR 0(dregs)
  19. STOKE - Not a hope in hell of staying in this league. PR 0(dregs plus fag end)
  20. HULL - You must be joking,definately a bridge too far. PR 0(muddy estuary water...sh*t!)

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